Frustrations, frustrations...

I have writer's block ... sort of. It only seems to happen when I'm at work, crunched for time. And it's not so much writer's block--I always get a script pounded out and a package put together--as it is writing well.

Job Fail

I'm not the only one who's noticing my mediocre reporting. The male anchor was not pleased with my writing at all today. Even though we both knew I was crunched for time, he felt that today was a good day to get on me about it.

I won't make excuses or try and win over any sympathy by telling you what I did with the rest of my day, but I will say it all came down to time. I knew what my deadline was, and after getting my package assignment at 1 p.m., I knew what I had time for. I knew getting just one interview was lazy and made for a boring story, but I made the decision that a boring story done on time was better than not having my story done.

Of course I cringed a little when he called me back to his desk to go over my script, and I knew everything he had to say about it was right. The writing was shoddy and having just the one interview really did make for boring television.

It was hard to listen to because I knew the whole time I wasn't giving the station my best work. I didn't put up any argument at all. I felt so bad about what I did--not so much what he said--that I just wanted to crumple up at my desk in tears, but alas, I had to go live at 5 from the studio in 45 minutes and have the package done by 6.

Now what?

It all got done and looked fine, but just fine. My stomach hurt the whole time I was editing because I knew what I was creating was crap. Filler. Basic. And I'm better than that! Or, at least, I used to be. I think. Maybe I've always been this bad, but people were impressed because even this bad was impressive for a student reporter.

I couldn't even watch the news when I got home from work. I didn't even watch a single thing on my station in case I accidentally caught one of the updates. I normally love watching our show, but today I just couldn't do it.

Bad Feelings

I still feel awful. I know I've been doing so poorly the past few weeks, and it kills me that I keep disappointing the people I look up to. Both anchors have tons of news experience, and are very, very, very good at their jobs. I know at some point they were beginners too, but I have a hard time believing they were ever this bad.

I'm not entirely sure how to get better. I thought I was following the tips the anchor sent me last week for writing memorable stories, but apparently I'm not. I want to get better, I can't even explain how badly I want to improve, but I don't know how. I know who I can ask--the anchors or our news director--but by the time they come into work, it's already crunch time, and when all my work is finished, they're in the middle in the show and I have to get out of there before I go over hours for the day.

Keep Trying

I still have my old books from advanced reporting; I think I'll start there. I know Paul has a DVD with regional Emmy winners' stories--I'm going to ask to borrow it so I can improve my editing and writing.

I just want to get something right in the coming weeks. Well, not so much to just get it right, but to have someone tell me I got it right. Because, honestly, some of the things I thought I was doing right, I'm questioning at this point. A little positive reinforcement certainly wouldn't hurt anything right now, but I have to earn it.

TGIF

Thank goodness today was my Friday. I'm not sure I could show my face there again tomorrow. Paychecks come in tomorrow, but I'm going to wait until I go back to work on Saturday to get mine. No amount of money could get me to go to the station tomorrow.

I'm going to Vermillion tomorrow evening to spend a few days with Lawyer Boy. I really need to out of this town for a little while and just escape. It's hard to believe it's only six weeks into my career, and I've already hit a brick wall.

I guess if worse comes to worse, I can always email my old advisor for help, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready to swallow my pride yet...

Summer Pictures!

Here are a few photos from the summer that was ... as always, a little late, but better than never. Ribfest--Sioux Falls in May

Lacey's girls--Brookings in August

Dancing at Club David--August

Lacey's Bachelorette--Sioux Falls in July

The Mann family--Winner in August

Julie and her maids--Winner in August

Julie and Mike making it legal

Audrey made it to Winner!

Sleep Is Over Rated

Oh, how I miss my bed. The past few weeks have been wonderfully challenging, but I'm ready to get back into a regular routine.

Stay up late, wake up early...

I haven't been back in the business for long, but boy am I getting a wide array of experience. Normally, I work Saturday-Wednesday during the day. But, with people taking vacation time before sweeps starts up again, I've spent some time behind the anchor desk.

A few weeks ago, I filled in for the weekend anchor/producer, and I will do that again this weekend. This week, I filled in for the morning anchor/producer for three days. I had a blast with the morning show. I've always wanted to anchor a morning show, and it was nice to know that I still want to reach that goal.

I will admit, I'm exhausted. Work begins on the morning show dark and early, at 2 a.m., which means I should've been going to bed around 5 p.m. each night. Needless to say, that didn't happen any night. Naps have been an essential part of my life this week.

As much fun as I've had anchoring, I must say, I love producing. It's like putting together a puzzle--such fun! I'll be sad to be done with the new responsibilities, but I am looking forward to having a normal schedule/life again.

Sweeps is coming up, and until yesterday, I was struggling to come up with story ideas. I now have two to pitch, and I'm looking forward to the challenge. Sort of--the whole idea of putting together such a complex piece(s) is rather daunting.

Life with a boy...

Things with Lawyer Boy are great. I really couldn't be happier with how our relationship is going, and I'm going to continue to hope I don't screw anything up. The next few weeks will be a test for us, as he has midterms and big projects due, and I tend to get obnoxious ... Hopefully, I can be the sweet, patient girlfriend he'll need me to be. We shall see...

Missing old things...

Hearing my sister and boyfriend complain about homework and midterms has me missing the college life. Don't get me wrong--I am thoroughly enjoying life in Sioux Falls and having my career. But, certain things can't be replaced, like the smell of Coughlin Stadium before football games, naps after class, midweek Morgans at Jim's Tap, and the buildup to Hobo Day.

Sadly, I won't get to attend a Jackrabbit's favorite holiday this year, even though I live a mere 55 miles away. We don't have a Monday-Friday reporter, so switching days to get the weekend off is nearly impossible for me. Plus, I'm trying to stick to the schedule for now as part of my master plan to earn Christmas off.

Career Hiccups

I've been back in the news game for a week and a half, and I couldn't be happier about today being Friday (well, my Friday). Okay, I might be slightly happier if my Friday was real Friday, but I'll take what I can get.

Starting over...

My reintroduction to TV news started out fairly smoothly, but has recently become insanely stressful. Initially, the powers that be took things fairly easy on me. My first story was cake--fire safety training at a local college.

This week was not so fun, however. Monday was the first 5 o'clock show ever at our station. Great--how many stations are actually growing in this economy?--but planning/editing/production has been absolutely insane. For people specializing in communications, we're not doing a very good job of communicating with each other.

I hate complaining about this because I am very grateful to have a job in my field and to be living the dream, but it is very frustrating to be relearning a job in an environment that expects me to be as good as I was nine months ago.

To say the least, I am just very relieved to have a few days off from the business. I need some time to regroup and fall back in love with the job. For the most part, I have been able to sort of pick up where I left off in December.

Auto Update

Still loving the Kia. The boy isn't real impressed my driving ability since discovering I have already cracked the plastic skid plate on a piece of wood in the road. He was relieved to learn he didn't let me buy it broken, but let's just say he wasn't thrilled by my skills.

I've only filled up the tank once, and I'm not all that sure the gas mileage is all it's cracked up to be. I'm hoping my suspicions about a broken gas gauge are correct and that this is truly more economical. We shall see.

Nerves...

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my career. Needless to say, I'm quite nervous. It seems things are quite chaotic at the station, and with a new newscast starting up next week, I can't imagine settling into a normal routine anytime soon.

Why am I so scared?

It's not like I've never done this before. I spent all of last summer pumping out packages like nobody's business, and I still managed to be an story-writing machine two days a week last fall.

I just haven't done this in nine whole months, and I'm worried the higher ups will expect me to be as good as I was in December. I was hoping my first day would be a sort of reorientation, that I could follow another reporter around and relearn the routine. It doesn't sound like I'll be afforded that luxury.

Tonight I need to sit down and come up with three decent (and easier) story ideas. I also need to press my dress clothes so I'm ready for the whole week. My schedule this week is a little crazy. I work Monday and Tuesday, have Wednesday and Thursday off, and then work all weekend. I have a feeling I'll need to have Wednesday off just to recover from my first two days back in the business.

Mission Accomplished

I was able to accomplish one huge thing during my weekend of technical unemployment. I bought a new car and bid adieu to the Taurus. The boy I've been seeing spent part of the weekend in Sioux Falls (he does not live in town) and was a great asset in the car hunt.

After I finished work with the city Friday evening, he joined me on a few test drives.

I had actually been considering getting a newer Taurus, but the two we tried out were awful. Just awful. The first was silver (boring) and the interior was shot. The leather was beat up, the paneling was peeling up on the doors, and it didn't actually have a sunroof even though the website said it did.

At first I said the interior's condition wasn't a deal breaker as long as it ran well, but it did not. The engine was horrendously loud and the transmission had serious issues. Twice it made a sickening thud and seemed to have something similar to a seizure.

The second Taurus was gold and Flex Fuel and appeared to be in beautiful condition. At first it even seemed to run like a dream, until I tried to brake at the first stoplight we came to. The rotors, it turns out, had been stripped and were now grinding on each other. I almost didn't get the car stopped. So, we took that vehicle on a very short test drive--around the block--and returned it to the deal with a few choice words about both vehicles.

The boy didn't seem very fazed by the lack of success on Friday. He said I shouldn't have been surprised by the condition of the Tauri--the dealership they were at is called Cheap Cars. He seemed to be much more optimistic about the whole thing than I was at that point, and he took me out for a very nice date to cheer me up (more to come on that later).

Saturday afternoon, things took a turn for the better. We were sitting at lunch looking online at a Ford Focus I had found in Tea. We decided we liked it enough to run a CarFax on it (they needed to be rationed as I was running out of them), and sadly discovered it was a salvage. I then remembered a dealership near my apartment had a Kia Spectra that was always on my list of possibilities, but everyone in the inner circle suggested I go after different vehicles.

We then ran a CarFax on the Kia and found no flaws. He then took the computer and did some serious research on the Kia. Literally, the worst problem he found with the cars is that people noticed the paint faded quickly. Definitely not a deal breaker.

Long story short, I bought the Kia. He was amazing with the dealer. A very cool cucumber. And, the Taurus stayed behind as a trade in. I had warned him in advance that I might cry when I parted ways with the first car I ever bought all by myself, but fortunately I held myself together a little better than I had anticipated.

So far so good...

Things with the boy are going very, very well. After I dragged the poor guy to car lots on Friday afternoon and then to Wal-Mart to pick up pictures I had ordered, he still wanted to go out on a nice date. We hung out at the apartment for a little while, waiting for the dinner rush to wrap up, and then went to the Lob for a nice meal.

After we finished eating, we went to a movie. I think he really wanted to see Inglorious Basterds, as did I, but I was torn between that and The Time Traveler's Wife, and he decided we would see that. Great chick flick--he was a real trooper for sitting through it. He did admit it was better than he thought it would be because of the sci-fi aspect.

That was about as adventurous as we got, though. After a long last week with the city and his first week back at law school, we were both pretty exhausted and went to bed fairly early for a Friday night. I guess we're getting old.

I really like this boy. I hope things work out--I'm becoming very attached. Nothing is official (as far as I know), but I'm certainly not feeling the need or want to date other boys. I'm very content with what I have for now. I just wish he lived in Sioux Falls. Oh well--no one gets everything they want.

On the Up and Up

Oh, how time can make everything better! In the month I've been absent from the blogosphere, much has happened. Where should I start?

Career woman again...

A little more than three months after graduation, I officially have my first career job. Over my lunch break today, I signed my first contract. For the next year, I am committed to work as a full-time reporter/photographer for the NBC affiliate in the city I already live in. The best part? I'll be back at the station I used to work at, with most of the team I that was there when I left in December.

Sadly, some thing will be changing soon. The news director is leaving to be closer to his family, so there will be a new boss shortly after I start, and new staff will be added to fulfill his other duties. I don't have the ideal schedule, but that's to be expected, being the rookie and all.

I can't even express my relief at finding a permanent job. If you've been reading this even half-assed, you have a taste of my frustration and doubt. The core of my self-confidence is still in tact, and, at least at this point, I don't have to reevaluate who I am and what my purpose is.

In perspective....

I am also very humbled by finding work so soon. Well, soon for the class of 2009. No one expected media to have job openings until winter. I felt even more fortunate after reading an article about my classmates on CNN.com this afternoon. They interviewed 10 graduates, and all of the communications majors were either looking for work in the field or had settled on something outside of their dreams. I'm just so happy I didn't decide to give up.

The Taurtoise...

So, my car isn't one of those bright spots I was alluding to, but there may be a silver lining. Shortly after I disappeared from the face of the earth, my car decided to have a meltdown and completely kick the oil pan off of the car. $500 later in car bills, and I'm spending way more time at The Lob than I meant to this summer just to pay the stupid thing off.

The good news is that I may have found a replacement. I'm sitting on my hands right now, waiting for the guy to get ancy to sell it so he'll pounce on my low-ball offer. It's a real pretty navy blue Ford Focus, it's near my price range (my offer certainly is), and I love it. But not enough to compromise on my offer. We shall see how this one goes.

My love life...

Things are even looking up in this department. I've been out a couple times with a guy that shall remain nameless, and I think I really like him. I've been out with a couple others guys as well that don't even compare. I went to the fair with one this weekend, and the whole time, I kept comparing him to the one I actually like.

It's very weird. I really like this guy, but I can't shake this feeling that something bad will happen to screw it up. Like, me being me, for instance. He once mentioned that the last girl he dated turned out to be clingy and wanting to talk to him all the time. So, I've been trying not to text him often, but I slip up--a lot. I just can't quit being me. And it's not like they're obnoxious, girly, lame texts. I usually just send random thoughts about something that happened during the day. They do happen a couple times a day, though, so I hope he can handle that.

I'm trying very hard to not let my fears be the thing that screws this up. But that just adds to my worry list. So now, I worry that I'm worrying too much to live in the present and appreciate that someone might actually be genuinely interested in me. I just can't win...

Lower points...

I'm feeling a little quieter tonight than usual--it's been an interesting weekend, to say the least.

Out on the town...

Last night was Lacey's bachelorette party here in SF. It was a blasty-blast. A dozen girls I haven't had time to see in months got together at the bride's townhouse and then jumped aboard a party bus for a bar tour.

I'll be honest--I had been dreading that party for some time. I love those girls to death, but I've been so tired and stressed financially (thanks to that Taurus) and simply didn't want one more thing I had to be at. But I'm glad I was. I suppose I can sleep when I'm dead.

Back in action...?

The job situation is also looking pretty hairy. I love the one I'm at now, but it's just a temporary thing. My old station lifted its hiring freeze on Wednesday and has two openings--one full and one part-time.

Surprisingly, the position closes this week and my old boss didn't even bother to tell me about it. Fortunately, a friend in the business had the foresight to email me when the postings hit the broadcaster association's website.

I quickly put together an application packet Thursday night; by the time Friday morning rolled around, I just needed to finalize my references. That meant I had to ask the guys at work to vouch for me, and to let them know I might be leaving sooner than planned.

Thankfully, they were flattered that I wanted to use them as references and even kicked me out of the office that morning so I could apply sooner rather than later. Those two are the things I'll miss most about that job, whenever it is I get to leave.

The fact that the news director didn't let me know about the openings makes me nervous. Such a short opening means the company already knows who they want, but I have a terrible feeling that person isn't me.

I've got the blues...

Maybe it's the tired, but it's the fact that for some reason it seems like all my well-intentioned plans are falling through--regardless, I'm feeling blue tonight. The dating thing still isn't looking any better. Earlier this week, I had a few prospects, but they seemed to have lost interest. Already. Story of my life.

Something has to work eventually, but in the meantime, I'm feeling pretty lonely and like a failure. My career is something I've prided myself on for awhile now, and it's hanging out in some low places. I thought that I might feel better if I improved other parts of my life--like the romance side--but now I'm just feeling worse than I was before.